Student Spectrums

“I didn’t know. I really didn’t mean…” is all I remember whispering to reassure myself in the present. I lift myself up from my bed and of course, nothing’s new: clammy hands, body wrecking with shivers, sweat dripping from my forehead. A nightmare. Again. Just like the countless ones I have been dealing with lately.

Funny. For some reason everything that I seem to think about and keep at the back of my head decides to revisit me every single night, like an unwelcome guest.

Deleting the group chat, blocking her, I remember it as clear as day. I didn’t cry that day…I didn’t feel bad for the next two years after…I just moved on and pushed my way through. So…tell me, why is the guilt haunting me three years later?

Why do I still hear her voice in my head? Why do I still remember her laugh? Her smile? Her words? Every single “You can do this!” still plays in my head.

I keep asking myself,

“Why do I still have pictures of her on my phone? It’s been three years.”

Then the answer stares me right back at my face: How can I ever fully forget someone who never did anything wrong? How dare I even think that what I did was valid?

I became the very person I promised to never become.

I look at my life differently now; that I am no longer the perfect girl I tried so hard to pretend to be. So much had happened which humbled me right back into my place. To this day, I often wonder: “Does she still remember me?” “Does she hate me?” I recall every little memory that we shared together. I see her in everyone I talk with. I see her in the things I used to love. I see her everywhere but in front of me. And that bridge…which I constructed, seems to extend forever.

I left her because I couldn’t face my own problems; I couldn’t even face myself. Because if I stayed, I would have had to acknowledge what lies deep within me, the storm that rages quietly and the waves that push back, waiting to fall over. When I first heard that she was struggling with her mental health, I felt this indirect pang of negativity. It wasn’t “Why does she feel this way?” but it was rather “This is wrong.”

In my mind, the idea of being vulnerable never felt right. Since childhood I was called sensitive and asked to quiet down. My parents emphasized that even more so when I used to cry for reasons I didn’t even know myself. I realize something now that I am older: It wasn’t their fault. And it will never be. Why? Because that is what they were taught too.

That tears are a sign of weakness, that relying on people only made a person more vulnerable within the eyes of judgement. That, if a person wasn’t doing well, they would never be accepted for the way they really are. My parents believed this because there was too much pressure put on them as young adults. I now see that my mother and father are more than just the people who have hurt me with words, they themselves, were the ones who were hurt and never comforted.

So putting the blame on them for influencing my actions of leaving my best friend didn’t feel acceptable. Because even though I was influenced by them, it still never explains why I took the action that I took. I was hurt, yes. Moreover, I wanted my parents’ validation, their acceptance, just like they did with their own parents. I didn’t want to show my parents that I had friends who were going through “unacceptable” things. In the process, however, I pushed the person I cherished away, as if they were nothing but a memory. When…in reality…? They had been the sun that appeared in my life through the dark clouds that hung over me, peaking out and giving me hope. But without the sun, the clouds fill up the sky. And those same clouds now drenched me, hit me with lightning and finally let out everything they needed right after I left her.

The guilt began to eat at me slowly day by day and the worse I felt weeks later. I was always wondering “when is this going to stop?” I wasn’t even sure. I felt guilt and I had no way of reassuring myself and the only choice was to get stuck in this storm forever.

That was until the notification on my phone popped up again as I was coming home from school. I was in the car while my mother and her friend talked to one another, she was carpooling with us. I opened my socials and checked my notifications. People liked my story, people liked my comment; “hmm…not bad” then my eyes zoned in on another notification: “Ciah sent a follow request.”

What..?

…

My best friend, the one I hadn’t talked to in YEARS sent me a follow request? ME? Who left her? It didn’t make sense. Yes, I had seen her account on my socials for a while and I thought about following her…but I couldn’t. I was scared that she either forgot me entirely or that she would hate me and never want to see me again.

So tell me…why, why on earth did this happen? I cannot describe the way my chest tightens, part of me is hopeful that she even thought about me, the other part is screaming to be heard. I feel anxious and my hands shake, my eyes tear up, the memories flashing back. The days we spent together playing, doing homework, eating and spending time at school. All of it. It came rushing back. Then I remember when things went downhill, around middle school. When I started struggling with my own mental health and she was too.

All this time, for months I was drowning in guilt that I had become someone who leaves others. After my mother left me when I was younger, I promised to myself that I would never let anyone else feel as abandoned as I did on that day.

But look what I ended up doing, trying to “protect” myself by ghosting my best friend. She has every right to be mad, every right to yell, scream and say everything she’s been holding back.

But…

All she did was send a follow request.

This was huge, it meant she wanted to talk, initiate conversation with me…maybe for the better or…for the worse? I don’t know. But I can’t believe it…my prayer got answered? Really? The realization begins to dawn on me.

The nights I spent praying to Allah SWT had been worth it…? Each day I prayed to Him and cried. I prayed to Him that I would do anything to talk to Ciah once again, to apologize, to tell her everything…but I was convinced I would never meet her or talk to her ever again. She moved to India, and I was still in the US and already in high school. And…it’s been three to four years.

But just look at the way Allah SWT has surprised me.

I contemplate whether to open this new door: Should I follow her back? Should I text her? Should I keep my distance? Will she hate me? Will I trigger bad memories?

The voice inside me whispered that I already knew the answer. I weighed my outcomes, if I ignored her, she would be even more hurt and things would never be resolved…but at the same time if I followed her…I would have to tell her everything and let her know why I really left her. I would have to face my problem…something which I wasn’t good at doing, clearly. The answer kept throbbing within my head:

“You will never get the answers to these questions if you don’t try.”

I hated how logical and stupidly right my mind was. My mind had great capabilities, being wired to be insecure and unstable along with maturity and reason.

I knew the answer. And there was no point in fighting it.

My hands trembled so much that I almost dropped my phone.

“Bismillah,” is all I said as I tapped the “Follow” button.

Two days passed since I decided to follow her on social media. And before I knew it, things changed. Slowly but noticeably.

She and I started texting each other, at first it was just simple dialogue, “How are you? It’s been so long…” “I missed you…” “I hope you’re doing well” as we both tried to swim around the elephant in the room. We tried being gentle and understanding but we couldn’t deny the ache that was left within our hearts at the question that pestered us mercilessly. “Why did I leave?”

Why did me, Kanae, leave Ciah?

I was willing to tell her everything, how my mind was influenced from an early age, how I was just wired differently and the thought processes that went behind my thinking. But only if she asked. I didn’t want to push boundaries, I didn’t want to bring up painful memories. Hell, I wasn’t even sure if she even considered me as a person in her life anymore.

The guilt I felt was mainly directed by my own life experience, which was similar to hers. Things in my life were “perfect” when I was with her as I pretended to be mentally stable and fine. I often never opened up to her because I didn’t want to face my own problems, which makes sense as to why she felt even more isolated. However, there was just no way, I was so busy convincing others and mainly myself that I was capable and perfect. A lie desperately wrapped into false truth.

When I left her, everything changed. I became more depressed and I ended up needing therapy just like her. I lost my friends, I stopped going to school, I stopped my hobbies and I isolated myself. That was when it hit me:

This is how she must have felt. Alone. Abandoned. Lost.

Tears ran down my cheeks as I sobbed in realization and horror. I made her feel this way? Me? The one who was supposed to be there for her and promised to never leave? What about the promise I made to myself?

It was too much.

And that was when the guilt started eating me alive.

So tell me, how…a person like me deserves her forgiveness? Tell me why did she just text me saying that she understood my behavior? Droplets of tears made my vision blurry and marked my phone as they dropped. I looked at our texts:

Ciah: Kanae, you were just a kid and you were trying to do what you felt was right. I understand. Please don’t feel guilty. Yes, I was hurt when you left…I feel like I deserved a reason at least as to why…that happened. But…I knew all along.

Kanae: …I am so sorry. I never wanted to hurt you like this. Ever.

Ciah: I know. I understand.

I kept texting her everything, why I did what I did, and answered every question she gave me. And with each answer, instead of lashing out at me…she responded with patience. She understood…I felt my heart bursting like a dam. She knew all along about my struggle and I wanted to hug her right then and there. I felt…like a huge weight had been moved within me…not fully gone yet but at least enough to make the air in my lungs come back.

I knew the hurt could never be undone and I knew things would never be the way they used to be with her but hope settled between my fragile soul when she texted me something I never thought was possible for me.

Ciah: Do you…want to try being friends again?

…

Kanae: Always. I would love to try again. I am so sorry, I will never be able to apologize to you enough.

Ciah: I don’t want you to apologize when even you didn’t understand what you were going through. We were young and we didn’t know how to handle ourselves. I am glad we met each other now that we are so much older and mature. Welcome back Kanae, I missed you so much. Let’s try again, without leaving before saying goodbye.

Forgiveness was big. But hope was bigger. Hope was the sole thing that kept me running all these years, hope that one day…I would be able to rewrite my wrongs. I prayed each day and night for that opportunity…and I got it at last. I smiled at my phone at the words “Let’s try again, without leaving before saying goodbye.”

Hope slowly bloomed within me, healing now felt like an option, forgiveness gave such an ease to my soul which I never thought existed.

Kanae:
Dear Ciah,

I never deserved you and I am so glad I had someone like you in my life to be there with me during my toughest. I wasn’t there for you then but let me be there for you now. I can’t undo the hurt I have caused but I can promise to be better and to never leave you again like that. You never deserved any of that and you are so much more than your illnesses. We are so much more than our problems and struggles. I missed you too, let’s try again. Inshallah.

I asked Allah SWT for a singular rose with petals and leaves and He gave me an entire garden and surrounded me with butterflies. More than what I had asked for, more than what I had hoped for, I smiled and said Alhamdulillah. Allah SWT’s mercy is endless. All thanks to Him, we are friends once again.