Student Spectrums

For a long time, I thought I knew exactly what I needed to do to fit in.

I watched the people around me closely, paying attention to the way they talked, the things they liked, and even the way they perceived things. Without really noticing it, I started doing the same things. At the time, I thought I was simply trying to become someone people wanted to be around. It took me years to realize how much of myself I had been leaving behind.

At the time, I convinced myself that it would be worth it if it meant I could spend more time with them and feel like I belonged. The truth is, I never belonged. It was automatic. I would gaslight myself into believing that these changes were genuinely what I wanted, because at the time, I truly believed they were. I was constantly asking myself what I should say, how I should act, or what I should like so that I would fit naturally into the group.

The more I focused on becoming someone they would like, the further I felt from myself. Eventually, I looked at the person I had become, and I hated her. 

It was not until one of my closest friends pointed it out that I realized how much I had been changing myself. She told me that I did not have to act differently for people to like me. If I had to constantly change who I was just to keep certain people around, then maybe those people were not worth all the energy I was giving them.

She reminded me that there were people out there who would like me for who I actually was, including the things I liked, the way I acted, and the person I naturally was. Hearing that made me stop and think about how much time I had spent trying to become someone I thought other people would want. I had been putting so much effort into becoming a version of myself that I did not even realize I had never chosen for myself.

No matter how much I changed myself or tried to become what they wanted, I could never fully be the green they liked. I would always be trying to imitate something that was not naturally me, and in the process, I would only lose more of the person I actually was. 

Looking back, that experience changed the way I understood belonging. I realized that I had spent so much time trying to be liked that I had stopped asking myself whether I even liked the person I was becoming. I no longer wanted to measure my worth by how well I could fit into someone else’s idea of who I should be.

I wanted to become someone who could be comfortable with her own interests, opinions, and personality, even when they did not match the people around her. I still cared about being accepted, but no longer wanted acceptance badly enough to trade pieces of myself for it.

I had finally understood that I was never supposed to become everythines favorite color. I was supposed to remain blue, and eventually find the people who saw blue and chose to stay.